Move Over Epstein, There’s a New Friend in Town:
Meet Trump’s Next Best Friend, Mark Carney

Donald Trump had a change of heart about Canada’s Prime Minister, Mark Carney. Today, Mr. Carney is “a World Class Leader” because today, Mr. Trump really doesn’t have any choice: Mr. Carney has him by the balls, so naturally, Trump’s heart and mind  followed.

When the American Bloviator recently tried out his signature Mafia move (extortion) on Canada, he met with …I believe the popular buzz-word is “pushback.” Not an elegant speaker, Mr. Trump essentially said, “Nice country you got there, Canada. Shame if it was to become our fifty-first state.”

But that was yesterday. Today, Mr. Carney is his new best friend …at least, that’s what Trump is floating in today’s run-it-past-the press-first gambit. Mind you, Mr. Carney did something to bring about Trump’s apparent change of heartless without resorting to any expected Kushner bribes, effusive over-the-top flattery, or that compulsory blowjob Mafia Don usually demands; and with the full blunt-force of the United States standing in as his “goombah,” BLOATUS usually gets his way. So the real mystery is: What did Mark Carney do to cause Mr. Trump’s sudden about face?   

For starters, the Prime Minister of Canada was just flat smarter than Dayglo Donald, who was over-matched and outplayed. Simple as that. Game, set, match — all behind the scenes away from the headlines. Dang, that was fast! But exactly what just happened here?

Let’s start with who Donald Trump blundered into matching wits with: Mark Carney earned a bachelor’s degree in Economics from Harvard University, Magna Cum Laude. Post graduate, he earned his Master of Philosophy (MPhil) and Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) degrees in Economics from the University of Oxford, England. He served as governor of the Bank of Canada, and was in charge of Canadian monetary policy during the 2008 financial crisis (he averted our economic crashes). Next, he served as chairman of Canada’s Financial Stability Board from 2011 to 2018. Following his term there, he was appointed as Governor of the Bank of England …let that sink in for a minute… Mr. Carney was the first non-Briton ever appointed to govern the Bank of England. There, he led the British central bank’s successful response to the Brexit disaster and further served into the COVID-19 pandemic. In 2021, he was elected to Harvard University’s Board of Overseers, before being elected Canada’a Prime Minister.

So when a total ignoramus threatened Canada’s economy with exorbitant tariffs and trade inequities, Mr. Carney got on the telephone. Within a matter of hours, he formed a coalition with the prime ministers of Japan, South Korea, Taiwan, and other tariff-extortion victims in the Pacific Region (an important economic bloc Trump pulled out of). Together, each member of the coalition purchased three to four trillion dollars of United States Government Bonds. Selling off twelve or so trillion dollars of our bonds would cause the bond price to plummet to a value that would absolutely shatter the U.S. economy …but Mr. Carney was smarter than to do that.

What the coalition did was to start selling a steady trickle of bonds. That slow, steady stream of U.S. bond sales forced our economy into inflation as the bond value started trending down. Slow and steady pressure. Continuing to sell the bonds in a coordinated low-flow has created an upward trend in inflation in the United States. Sooner, rather than later, Mr. Trump will find his own promised economy locked in a stag-flationary spiral that will eventually leave his highly-touted, over-valued, and over-promised economy (and his presidency) in further shambles. Mr. Carney has us firmly by the testicles and neither Trump nor his best advisors ever saw it coming.

Voila! Suddenly, Prime Minister Carney is Donald Trump’s newest buddy! With more than ten trillion dollars of our bonds in his strong and ever-tightening grip, we can only hope that the Prime Minister’s aversion to pedophilia won’t preclude their budding friendship. With better luck than we’ve had in a long time, our Orange Julius [Caesar] won’t further antagonize our neighbor borealis, his new best friend.