Kentucky Jelly

The first thing to know about Kentucky Jelly is that it tastes terrible on toast. I bought some the last time I was in Louisville and the KY Jelly there was so bad I called Johnson and Johnson to complain. They told me that I was supposed to rub the KY on my Johnson and Johnson, and that it wasn’t intended to be taken orally. That was confusing to me, since I am used to taking my right-wing politics orally, usually from the likes of “Moscow” Mitch McConnell and that nutty Brillo Pad Paul. I completely understand that their ideology is aimed at a completely different orifice. I’ve been advised that neither of them use KY on their own dogma except to make the ground glass stick better; their state legislature doesn’t use any jelly either (even in cases of rape or incest). Judging from the sheer decibel volume with which the Kentucky politicians take the national stage, I assumed that Kentuckians must be doing a great job of something, somehow, or somewhere …right?  Well, not really. Out of 50 states, Kentucky ranks:

• 44th in Health Care
• 36th in Education
• 29th in Crime
• 29th in Environment
• 48th in Financial Stability
• 50th in Constitutional Abortion Law

In all fairness, the people of Kentucky actually do rank first in the nation …when it comes to sending horse’s dicks to Washington; however, considering that the total population of Kentucky is less than one half that of New York City, it should amaze us that they have somehow been able to scrape up, not one, but two US Senators who thumb their noses at the rule of law, defy ethics committees, trade favors with Russian Oligarchs, and provide deep cover for coup attempts on our Democracy — after the same fashion, Kentucky’s state lawmakers have demonstrated that they don’t give a tinker’s damn about upholding our Constitution either …Kentuckians do all this in the name of “freedom?”

So why does this very small, poor, radical state have such an outsized say in our national debate?     

A better question is: “Where is the ‘Secession Movement’ when we need it?” I suggest that the next time Rand Paul shoots his mouth off about seceding from the Union we get it in writing before he can change his mind. Building that big beautiful wall he supports makes a lot more sense if we build it around Kentucky.

Well, I decided to vote with my feet, so to speak. For my vacation this year I will drive across America coast-to-coast. I know I’ll have to spend an outrageous amount of money in any state I drive through. So guess what state I’m driving compketely around — I will not spend one single, solitary cent in Kentucky.

I know I’ll miss the prosaic nose picking, one chance to see the “Thing,” two off-ramps to see the  “World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn,” and an underground cavern with a Stuckey’s. Yet, as much as I like Bluegrass, I am taking the loop around Kentucky.