Kentucky Jelly

The first thing to know about Kentucky Jelly is that it tastes terrible on toast. I bought some the last time I was in Louisville, KY, and the KY Jelly i bought there was so bad I called Johnson and Johnson to complain. They told me that you were supposed to rub the KY Jelly on your Johnson and Johnson, and that it was not intended to be taken orally. That was confusing to me, since I am used to taking my right-wing politics orally from “Moscow Mitch” McConnell and that nutty Rand “Brillo Pad” Paul. I get that their ideology is aimed at a different orifice, and I have been advised that neither of them use KY on their own dogma except to make the ground glass stick better; ther state legislature doesn’t use any lubricant either, even in cases of rape or incest; however, judging from the sheer decibel volume with which their politicians take the national stage, I assumed that Kentuckians must be doing a great job of something, somehow, or somewhere …right?  Well, not really. Out of 50 states, Kentucky ranks:

• 44th in Health Care
• 36th in Education
• 29th in Crime
• 29th in Environment
• 48th in Financial Stability
• 50th in Constitutional Abortion Law

In all fairness, the people of Kentucky actually do rank first in the nation …when it comes to sending horse’s dicks to Washington; however, considering that the total population of Kentucky is less than one half that of New York City, it should amaze us that they have somehow been able to scrape up, not one, but two US Senators who thumb their noses at the rule of law, defy ethics committees, trade favors with Russian Oligarchs, and provide deep cover for coup attempts on our Democracy — after the same fashion, Kentucky’s state lawmakers have demonstrated that they don’t give a tinker’s damn about upholding our Constitution either …Kentuckians do all this in the name of “freedom?”

So why does this very small, poor, radicalizes state have such an outsized say in our national debate?     

A better question is: “Where is the ‘Secession Movement’ when we need it?” I suggest that the next time Rand Paul shoots his mouth off about seceding from the Union, how about we get it in writing before he can change his mind. “Building that big beautiful wall” he supports makes a lot more sense if we build it around Kentucky.

I’ve been talking some trash here, but what am I actually going to do about it? I’ll tell you what I’m doing about it: I’m voting with my feet, so to speak. For my vacation this year, I decided to drive cross-country. I know that I’ll have to spend lots of money in any state I drive through, so I’m re-routing my trip around, not through, Kentucky — I will not spend one single, solitary red cent in Kentucky. I know I’ll probably miss a lot of nose picking, at least two chances to see the “Thing,” at least one “World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn,” an underground cavern next to a Stuckey’s, and, of course, Bluegrass music. Yet, as much as I like Bluegrass, I am not buying any products or services made in Kentucky, even though they make fine bourbon and some excellent rye whiskey. I am not buying buying any Marlborough cigarettes, nor am I buying anything from any companies with offices in Kentucky. I wasn’t planning on going to the Kentucky Derby, but if I had been …I wouldn’t. now.