Boris Johnson: Striking Fear into Putin’s Heart of Darkness
Sarcasm Alert: So many Russian oligarchs own high-value real estate and launder their money through shell companies in Britain that London has been called “Moscow on the Thames” since the Margaret Thatcher era of the mid-1980s. Remember when Ronnie Reagan was “tearing down that wall?” As usually happens when a society undergoes a hard-right turn toward ultra-conservative ideology, the political shift went hand-in-hand with corruption, first permeating their politics, then polluting their society. In London, corruption occurred on a scale that made the city irresistible to the Russian business racketeers / KGB spies that became known as “The Oligarchs.” Suffice it to say that the Russian Oligarchs purchased Great Britain from its politicians down to the cobblestones, and, as a result, they have become the proud owners of a spanking pink, slightly ruffled, 250-pound baby: Boris Johnson. I’m pretty sure Vladimir Putin looks at Boris’ toothless lip-service to Ukraine sanctions and finds this amusing.
While the British have never been known for their humor — Benny Hill and John Oliver notwithstanding — Boris Johnson wants us to think his laughable sanctions of the Oligarchs for the invasion will in any way deter Russia? …now that’s funny! Nyet? Then try this: What could be funnier than a tiny island — an island that has to import literally everything except rotten weather — cutting the Oligarchs off cold? The Russians already have oil, fish and chips1, and, well, they already own London …so what more can Boris sanction? “Okay, Russia! No more ‘Spotted Dick’ for you! Hopefully, they won’t confuse this sanction with Boris’ own recipe for “Spotted Johnson,” which they can still find at any Downing Street Coronavirus Party. After the Johnson sanctions, the oligarchs will just have to make do with caviar and sunny beaches somewhere else. While Putin’s attack on Ukraine and the mass murder of its population marks a backward turn toward medieval feudalism for Russia, it may signal some small ray of hope for the West:
Putin undoubtedly expected a second-term Donald Trump to deliver Ukraine without any shots being fired, especially with Johnson’s freshly Brexited UK cut from the herd and running blind. With Manafort, Giuliani, and Mike Pompeo setting the inside lanes, Putin probably anticipated a low probability of NATO and European Union (EU) military involvement. Taking Ukraine must have seemed like a slam-dunk (or as much of a slam-dunk as a man of Putin’s diminutive stature can dream of). For a moment there, Putin almost had Ukraine in hand …then the prize started to slip away. Trump was caught using extortion to muscle Ukrainian President Zelensky into helping him cheat in the U.S. election, then proceeded to lose the election. Trump’s Republican-led Coup failed, yet still might have succeeded if he could have forced the election to the Supreme Court under Martial Law …and he almost made it! You might say that Trump came within a court-hair of ramming it home (no apologies to Clarence Thomas). Fortunately, America’s Trump Fever has finally started to break. Putin’s Facebook crucible of Civil War white supremacy has started to cool down, too, and the Republican’s chances of continuing where Trump left off, i.e., marching down Treason Avenue to a majority congressional win, are slim. The ray of hope? Russia’s military invasion means that Putin has given up on Donald Trump.
The ray of hope for us is that, without Putin and the Oligarch’s support,Trump is likely finished as a serious presidential candidate. Putin seems to have given up on Boris Johnson as well: Johnson has already served his purpose; he delivered Brexit — he did what he was supposed to do, it just didn’t divide NATO or deliver Ukraine. While it did make Boris a laughing stock on the world stage, Brexit’s only lasting effect will be to seal Britain’s fate as a third world nation. Stick a fork in Britain, they’re done. Without the economic might of the EU behind them, Britain will never again matter in world history except as an asterisk (when the United States trots them out for a show of support). While I’m sure this gives Mr. Putin a warm, fuzzy feeling, but it didn’t deliver. While there was no need to attack Ukraine when Trump and Johnson could potentially deliver without war, the balance certainly changed after the Dynamic Duo “crapped out,” or as Putin says, “ate the potato.” So at the age of seventy with his legacy-polishing time running out, Vladimir Putin checked with his “Lifeline,” China, then attacked Ukraine. That is very bad news, yet the sanctions help draw attention to the dark money relationships between the Oligarchs and their Quislings: Republican Senators like Mitch McConnell, Joe Manchin, and the usual Republican suspects. When they are dragged into the light of day, it’s bad news for the GOP …but good news for the rest of the planet.
The United Kingdom is not Britain!
I have referred to “Britain” throughout this article knowing full well that there is no “England” or “Britain” anymore …only the “United Kingdom.” Boris Johnson managed to Brexit all of the member nations along with what I am still calling “Britain.” I know better, but in the main, this is because I believe that Scotland and Ireland, two nations with industrious, hard working people have whip-smart leadership that may finally be able to buck the Brits off their backs and step into their own richly deserved limelight (rather than “swirl the rim” with Johnson’s government). If I am proved wrong, I will go back to the “UK” convention. My final thought on this is that when I imagine the once-mighty British Empire whittled down to London and Wales, I have to ask myself: “Hey! Isn’t there a culinary school named Johnson and Wales?”
Footnotes
1When I say the Russians already have “Fish and Chips,” I take several liberties, insofar as the Russians actually use pickled herring instead of cod, and beets instead of potatoes. They do actually have the British ingredients, they just don’t use them because the batter blows off when they boil the herring and beets in vodka.